Courage 2/6/19

I just got home from taking the 10th graders on the annual field trip to the US Holocaust Museum in
Washington DC.  Every year, different themes jump out at me. This year, it was courage.

The extreme courage that countless people on both large and small scales exhibited was breathtaking.
For every Raoul Wallenberg there were 10s of thousands ordinary people that hid, sheltered, fed 
ordinary Jews, Jehovah Witnesses, Catholics, LGBTQs, Trade Unionists, and other political foes of 
Nazism. Many of these people paid for their courage with their lives.

The other side to this coin is the extreme cowardice of so many that were “just following orders”, or
in the case of many in the US Government at that time, dismissed their inaction as necessary to do
something that would be helpful.  Sorry, not sorry.

Walking through the museum, reading the plaques, looking at the pictures, watching the videos, one
gets the sense of the vibrancy of the Jewish people in the face of racism that had existed along a 
spectrum for thousands of years in Europe.  

History is important on its own, but that is not its sole import.  It should inform what we do today.
We are living history, right now.  At present, there are those who wish to use fear to divide us and
to push their agenda to seize power.  I will not name names not only because these individuals and
groups are too numerous to name but also because, in truth, no person is an enemy of mine.  
Ignorance, apathy, and sloth are my enemies, and I will confront them wherever I find them especially
when they are in my own person.

I have no illusions that anybody other than some possible future grandchild of mine will remember my
name or my actions.  Still, the question remains. What is the proper way to live. Do I want to live the
life of a craven, or do I want to live a life of courage?  We Americans fancy ourselves as the “home of
the brave”, but what is that? Does it mean that we have no fear, or does it mean that we act with
courage in the face of fear?

I am not sure about my possible, future grandchildren, but I know this for sure.  My boys are watching.

RIP JB

The following is the Eulogy that I wrote and delivered on December 15, 2018 for my Dad at his funeral mass.


The other day, as I was driving my Dad’s truck down the road. I started thinking about the first truck that my Dad bought. Then I started thinking about all the things that he and my Mom built before he got his first truck. Moving and rehabbing the rental house in Justice, building the house in Palos, maintaining the cottages, building the office building, rehabbing more cottages...Dad built things. He had grand visions. Ambitious plans. Some might say crazy ideas. But, son of a gun if he didn’t bring them to life!

Dad was a learner. One of my earliest memories was waking up in the morning to find Dad asleep on the couch with his textbook on his chest and his ruler and pen on the floor beside him. He was very proud of his CPCU degree. He was also very proud of sending my sisters and I to college. The first thing that he did when each grandchild was born was to start their college fund.

Hand in hand with learning, Dad loved to travel. Yes, he and my Mom and later with Jan took the standard Middle Class trips. But, Dad also loved to get off the beaten path. He loved to mix with the locals preferably in their native tongue. He loved learning the history of wherever he was visiting. And, he loved to tell us about it when he returned.

The Northwoods. Ahh, North of the Tension Zone. This was my Dad’s element. Whether he was driving the Kubota or better yet watching his grandkids driving the Kubota or pulling them behind the ski boat, my Dad had a smile that reached from ear to ear. There are too many Northwoods stories, and I know that many of you have lived through several!

My Dad was larger than life, and he attracted larger than life characters. One of them, his buddy Jerry Dingels, called him the Champion of the Downtrodden because he also helped many who were down far at the end of their rope. Last night, I heard the same story over and over again. Oh the names changed. The situations changed. But, the story remained the same. It basically went: Your Dad, Jerry, helped me when no one else could, or no one else would.

My Dad built things, did things. He went to all of our concerts and games. I remember him standing in a driving cold rain with the plastic bag my Mom had given him wrapped around his head like a babushka while working the chains when I was a freshman football player. And, I remember him hugging the stuffing out of my coach when we scored the game winning touchdown. I remember him twirling the flag with my sister Kristen during Dad’s Days at the University of Illinois football games. And I remember him beaming with pride for Michelle when she was awarded “Bronze Tablet” honor for graduating in the top 3% of her class! Dad loved to tell about the exploits of Nick and Anna, and he always wanted to hear what Silas, Zeke, and Milo were doing.

My Dad did a lot of things, but mostly he loved. He loved my Mom. He was a traditional man, but he became my Mom’s caregiver. After Mom passed, he was despondent until he met Jan. He loved Jan. He loved my sisters and me. He loved his Grandkids. He loved his friends. And he loved his community and his country. Dad achieved great success, but monetary gain was not the driving force. Everything that he did was based in love.

My Dad was a member of Hickory Hills Sertoma for darn near 50 years. Service to Mankind. They weren’t just words to him, he lived it. He gave it everything he had, but it also fed his soul. He brought me along. He ingrained it into me.

I told my sons that tears now will be happy tears. We will be sad because we miss him. God, I will miss him. But, we will be glad that we knew him and learned from him. Dad lived his life full out giving everything he had. He worked hard. He played hard. He celebrated. He loved. He reveled in others successes. He got knocked down, he got back up, and he took care of business. Dad showed me how to live. Today, we celebrate his life. Tomorrow, we will go on living. Just like Dad …Pals Forever...

Not Making the Perfect the Enemy of the Good

How many times have we heard the above advice only to not heed it and then wonder what the heck went wrong?  

Last night, I went cross-country skiing when I got home from work.  Like so many times before, it was dark. It was warm (for xc skiing, about 40 F) and drizzly.  These are not ideal xc ski conditions and definitely not the ones that I would pick, but I went anyway.  Yeah, I was skiing in slushy, mash potatoes, but it was beautiful on the mountain. The ambient light getting reflected downward onto the snow highlighting the fog.  It was peaceful, and after the hectic nature of work and running errands after work, it was much needed. When I was trying to figure out what to write this week, this cross-country ski trip that I took last night stuck out to me because made me think of how it applies to raising my boys.  

Too many times we don’t do things because conditions are not perfect.  It’s too hot, too cold, too wet. Cover is too thin, or water levels are too low.  It’s too sunny or too windy. Or it’s too rainy. I get it, you don’t want to ski because thin cover is hell on your high priced skis.  Isn’t that what rock skis are for? Yes, my everyday skis have a chunk of the base missing because I xc ski on the thinnest skiffs of snow, but they are also 30 year old hand-me downs.  This weekend, I picked up a used pair of xc skis for $10. My sons asked me if I really needed them. I told them for $10, they would end up bringing one of us joy one day.

Joy is the point.  Joy comes from DOING things. We don’t experience joy from complaining about the weather, the dark, kids playing with their screens, or a hundred other things.  Yes, you are going to need to problem solve. Last night, that involved thinking that I should wear my 20+ year old Gore-tex shell. Yeah, I used a lot of brain power on that one.

My sons and I did a lot of things this weekend.  Snow was shoveled, firewood was hauled into the house, the cargo box was installed on top of the new vehicle, the dishwasher was emptied, it was filled, meals were cooked, we went snowshoeing, we went xc skiing, and we packed for an upcoming trip to see family for Thanksgiving.  Did I as Dad have to do everything? Heck no! Did I coach, counsel, lend a hand, put a shoulder in? Oh yeah! Was everything done perfectly? Nope. But, because I didn’t have to do everything, I wasn’t stressed. Because I wasn’t stressed, the boys were relaxed. Because we were relaxed, we laughed, we did, we enjoyed!  Isn’t that the point?

I have an exercise for you to try this week.  When you have a moment alone (driving in your car on the way to work is a great time to do this), think about something that you would like to do with your kids or that you would like your kids to be able to do.  What is stopping this from happening? Identify the roadblocks. Problem solve. How could these roadblocks be overcome?

Good Luck on Your Quest!  Do What You Can Do!

TonyB

Start Where You Are At

Where am I? I am sitting at my kitchen table, drinking coffee letting the Barbarians sleep a bit more. We have a big day ahead of us. Yesterday, we cut two loads of firewood before rushing off to the school so that the older two, S and Z, could play in the marching band. We will cut 2 more loads today. We have had a crazy, mostly wonderful summer and fall, and as a result, we are behind in our firewood collection. I heat my house solely with firewood. I am in a tight spot, but we will get it done. How?

Capacity building. S and Z, aged 16 & 14, are big, strong capable boys. There isn’t much that I cut that they can’t get in the truck. Every now and then, I need to send one of them for a maul, but mostly, they get it in the truck. M, the little guy at age 9, carries what he can carry. This weekend, it’s Sunday evening now, I would run the chainsaw for about an hour until it ran out of fuel. As I finished taking off my safety gear and putting away the saw, they would be putting the last of the logs on the truck. Later, after we had some lunch, and we did some chores while watching the Steelers game, we went back outside. Z split wood while S and M brought firewood in the house. Me, I was on the roof trying to patch would-be leaks. When I finished on the roof, Z and I were swinging mauls in unison. It was cool man, very cool. Later S helped me bring down the 40 foot ladder and put it away. We are a well-oiled machine, but only because we spent the time developing skills building capacity.

On capacity building. Perfectionism and micromanagement are the enemy. The key is to build habits. A few years ago, when I first started my older boys with splitting wood, I started them with a wedge and a small 8 lb. sledge. It was easier for them to swing the small sledge, and it was easier for them to hit the target of the wedge. But, the pivotal weekend occurred when my Dad came for a visit. He supplied sound effects and a cheering section for each swing! Wow! Talk about turning a chore into a party! You can always coach them later. Build the habit of doing first!

Why am I writing this blog? Society needs Dads to step up. Google Dad’s role in parenting. I’ll wait...Ok, glad to see that you are back. You are needed!

Listen, I am not an expert, nor am I a guru. Yes, I have worked with kids professionally for almost 30 years, and I have been a Dad for 16, but in the end, I am just a Dad trying to raise my boys and make the world a little better. I screw up. My body is covered in scars from instances where I got it wrong. Getting it wrong is easy to do, and it is easy to witness wrong being done. Getting it right is not so easy to do, and it is not so easy to identify as it is happening.

This is why we all need sound effects and a cheering section! We need a sounding board, and an inspiration corner. This is the purpose of the blog.

My goal for myself is to get in one blog post per week. Hopefully, my tales will make you think about what you are doing with your kids. If you have questions, ask them. If I have an answer, I
will give it. If I don’t, I will put it out to the community and see what It can do for you.

What is our Quest? We seek the Grail. What is the Grail? To be awesome Dads!

May you have a Quest-worthy week!

TonyB